Day 100 From Algiers with Love

What am I without control? How do moments add up to life? Purpose. Purpose. Always searching for purpose. Any purpose will do. As long as I can cage it. Atomise it. Label it. Explain it. Because everything happens for a reason. So I’m always on the look out for the reason. Now. Immediate. Understand. Process. Make peace with. Change. Find myself in it. Relentless search for reason purpose end result. Understanding and changing. Almost obsessive. What if there was no purpose? What if there was no search? I will search the no-search. Find purpose in the no-purpose. Make a circle and measure whatever it is I can measure. What if there is no measure? No instruments? What if there are no alphanumeric measurements? Can it be? How can it be? My body – what does it hold? Relentless search. Outer measurements. Form. Body weight. Hair colour. Place of origin. Places of formation. Language. Languages. Parents. Heritage. Travel. Change. Pain. Disruption. Measurements. What if you’ve measured and you’ve measured. And you’ve come up with 165cm , translates into 5’4 maybe 5’3, 127lbs, 56kgs – give or take and right now I want to take, tricultural, trilingual, well-educated, good job in a bad economy, broken hearts, dreams chased, gut followed all over the world, co-habiting – not single, not married, no children – yet. Measurements – all true. Some have physical form. Some have memory – almost physical. Some joyful, some hurt. There’s a kid behind me kicking my seat. Measurement. Under. Inside. When the measurements stop. Not stop. Don’t serve. Because the search for measurements can go on. Even what you can eventually measure you can’t plan for. You can’t measure in advance. Holy shit. A beautiful, explosive, heart-opening realization. What emerges for you to measure if you need to, if you are so driven, is like magic – unpredictable, unknowable, uncontrollable, not yours, stunning, a mystery – immeasurable, even as you measure it.

Day 99 Tray and Lisa or The Love That Never Was

Tray and Lisa ran in the same Chicago social circles. At first, which was two years ago, they were indifferent to one another. Lisa thought was Tray was aloof and weird, and Tray thought Lisa was superficial and annoying. After about a year of hanging around the same group of friends, and not being friendly with one another, the ice began to thaw.

They bonded over dancing, which they both loved to do. It may have been someone’s birthday, and it may have been Danny’s Bar, but there was definitely dancing involved. Lisa began to think Tray was funny and unusual, in that endearing kind of way, and Tray began to think that Lisa was cute and interesting.

Neither one of them made a move. They would hang out with their friends, moderately flirt with one another, and then part ways. It may have been inertia or it may have been shyness. Either way, life went on and Lisa started dating someone else.

Within a month of Lisa starting to date someone else, Lisa and Tray found themselves dancing together at Danny’s. All their friends had gone home, they had one too many Vodka and pineapple juice and it was a full moon. Tray, after months of mild flirtation made his killer move.

For a few days, Tray and Lisa didn’t exactly date, but spend a good chunk of time together. Tray gave Lisa a piggy back while riding his bicycle. They walked on the beach at night. And they went swimming in Lake Michigan during the day. And that was it. Lisa decided to spend her energy and time on the other guy she was actually dating; who at the time she thought looked much better than Tray on paper.

But, of course, things with that guy didn’t work out and Lisa realised how much fun Tray was. She kept hoping to run into him, but of-course, she didn’t. She saw a lot of their mutual friends, but Tray seemed to have disappeared. She finally called him and nonchalantly suggested they go dancing. Tray agreed.

Before Lisa had a chance to confess her growing affection, Tray announced that he had a new girlfriend, and Lisa went home, hopes dashed, convinced the universe had played a cruel trick on her. And life went on.

Four months later, Tray broke up with his girlfriend. In that same week Lisa, completely unexpectedly, came across someone who felt special beyond words. Sometimes things between two people really aren’t meant to be. And life goes on.

Day 98 Lora and Eddie

Lora (see Day 10 Lora and Lina) first heard about Eddie from Yoni (see Day 12 Yoni and Mere) and she was dubious. Yoni was an Israeli friend of Lora’s who was always pushing her to get more connected to Jewish culture, especially to klezmer music, which she hates, so she was suspicious of his politics and his friends. The first time Lora saw Eddie, she noticed his beard,

Lora: there were all these very anti-religious secular Arabs and Jews around, and they all had the same damn beard as though they were religious. This was very funny for me.

During their first conversation, at one of the artsy parties they frequented, Eddie remembers looking down Lora’s shirt, and Lora remembers that he told her he was a political writer and she was like, “ew, political writer”. Lora is a political writer.

They got talking about Gaza. It was January 2009, a month after what the Israeli government were calling Operation Cast Lead. Eddie asked Lora to go for a drink with him, and Lora declined. Instead, she said “let’s make a pact to get to Gaza in the next 6 months” and he said “okay”. A week later, out of the blue, Lora was invited to join a humanitarian delegation to Gaza, and she called up Eddie to let him know of the opportunity. Eddie had an ohshitmoment,

Eddie: like oh shit I can actually send myself to Gaza, oh shit I might be in Gaza really soon, oh shit GAZA, oh shit homeland, oh shit hot girl+gaza = joy+pain wow wow wow.

Eddie kept changing his mind about going, and didn’t buy his plane ticket till three days before they were due to fly out from Chicago to Cairo.

In Egypt, they waited for five days at the Egypt/Gaza border, camping out, before they were let in. After the delegation’s work in Gaza was done, Lora decided to stay in Gaza for an extra month to do translation work for a human rights organisation. And Eddie decided to stay in Gaza for an extra month to work on what has now become a film project. Their friendship deepened, but Eddie was seeing someone else back home.

Back home, in Chicago, some few months later, Eddie found himself single and things between Lora and Eddie blossomed. Lora had always felt very natural around him. They opened up to each other pretty quickly. Eddie started spending hours working with Lora on her book, making very detailed edit suggestions. He owned land in Taybeh, a village in the West Bank north of Jerusalem, which was very sexy to Lora. Very quickly, within a couple of weeks, Lora knew in her gut that this was for real.

Being with Eddie has taught Lora not to be so neurotic. She calls it “happiness by obligation”.

Lora: If you care about the person you’re with, you soon realize that if you’re sad, it will affect them, and your relationship, and everything. So you have to figure out how to deal with your emotions in a healthier way. I’ve really put emotional stability as a priority because of Eddie.

Eddie has learnt what it feels like to REALLY be listened to for once and it feels great, “I didn’t realise that a relationship could be so easy, but when you really listen to the other person you can really understand them”.

A month after they got together, Lora was accepted to teach English in Paris and after much discussion, Eddie accepted to follow her across the globe a second time. Lora knew she had found someone special and it seemed dumb to drop it for logistical reasons like geography.

And now it’s Lora’s turn to do the following across the globe so she’s following Eddie to the West Bank this April where he wants to make art. For the next two years, they will be between Paris and Palestine. For their anniversary, Lora got Eddie bulbs for flower bushes for him to plant on his land.

Day 91 Louis and Petra

Louis and Petra met in 1998 in Environmental Science class at the University of East London. Petra flirted with Louis and Louis found her annoying and off-putting. She was too loud and exuberant.

After getting to know her more, and finding that her zest for life was real and not a put-on, he started falling for her. By the time he had started to fall for her, she had moved on and was dating someone else. But Petra still had a soft spot for Louis and so they started an inappropriate friendship. Petra eventually broke up with the guy she was dating and she and Louis started a relationship proper. It lasted three months. Louis broke up with Petra because being in love was new to him, because it freaked him out and because he didn’t realise that love was not a smooth ride.

Petra finished her degree and moved back to Greece. Louis went on with life, relationships and political activism. Ten years later in November 2008, Petra got in touch with Louis out of the blue. She called him from Greece and told him she was planning to be in London during the Christmas vacation, and they should meet up. Later, she would tell Louis that she had called him in the naïve hope that something might be rekindled between them.

Something did rekindle between them. Louis fell in love with Petra all over again. Hard. They met up the day after Boxing day (which is the day after Christmas day) and had the best date. They met in a pub in Camden Town, had dinner in a Brazilian bar, and then went dancing at Madam JoJos, a funk club. It was the best six hours Louis had ever spent with a woman.

At the end of her vacation Petra went back to Greece. Louis didn’t pine away. Instead he made a plan to spend the summer with her. Plan A was that Louis was going to spend a month in Zakinthos, where Petra lived. After agreeing to that, Petra got cold feet and the plan became that Louis would spend a month in Greece, but only a week of that would be in Zakinthos with Petra.

It was a long, difficult winter for Louis. But finally summer came round and it was time to go to Greece. He opened two separate bank accounts giving him access to ₤1,250 in overdraft and sold all his books for ₤800. Two weeks before he was due to fly out, Petra told him she had started dating someone.

Louis went to Greece. He had to know what had happened, and if there was still a glimmer of hope, which there always is, he was going to hold on to that.

After spending two awkward days with Petra in Zakinthos, her boyfriend showed up with a menacing undertone. Louis spent three more awkward days with Petra, Petra’s boyfriend and Petra’s mum in Zakinthos. Louis eventually left Zakinthos and went on to other Greek adventures. He had fallen in love and he had followed his heart. He may have been heartbroken, but he had no regrets.

Day 90 Adam and Rachel

Adam and Rachel met in Grinnell College, Iowa in 2004. The first thing Rachel said to Adam was that she was pretty enough never to have to work for a living, and he told her she was no where near pretty enough.

They would run into each other at various parties without paying much attention to one another until the spin the bottle party. Rachel asked Adam to leave with her so she could avoid the advances of another Grinnellian. That may or may not have been a sorry excuse to leave with Adam. They spent the night wandering around campus looking for somewhere to make out and eventually settled on the TV common room in one of the dorms until they were thrown out by the security guard.

And so began a relationship that was not so beautiful. They lasted for two years and they laughed a lot together, but in the end Adam was in his early 20s. He wanted to sow his oats and so Rachel left him. Adam eventually moved to Chicago and Rachel moved to San Francisco.

They stayed friends and there was that one fateful trip that Adam made to the Bay Area. He wasn’t sure whether he wanted to win Rachel back or not, but he was open to it. In the first day, he found out that she had started to see someone else. He said nothing to her about the way he felt, and instead had a miserable time pretending to be her friend.

For four years Adam languished in Chicago. He tried dating other women. Many other women. In the beginning it would be exciting, but then problems would surface and he would always think of Rachel. For four years, he drove his friends crazy talking about her. He would call her family every Christmas and Rachel’s little brother in particular was always happy to hear from him. Rachel moved in with the guy she had started to date and it did not go well.

After four years of pining away, Adam was in a spiral and the only thing left to do was call her. It was August 2009. Adam couldn’t have picked a better time to call. Rachel had broken up with her live-in boyfriend and was mourning the end of a doomed relationship. Adam invited her to come to Chicago and Rachel, wanting to get the hell out of San Francisco, said yes.

The day Rachel flew into Chicago they drove out to Lake Michigan and made out. Rachel needed the distraction. Adam had carefully planned what he needed to say to win her back. Things did not go as planned. He ended up blurting out his undying love for her in the middle of making out by the lake.

It took Adam a few more days and a few more trips to win Rachel over. They are planning to move to New York together this spring. For Rachel, the timing isn’t exactly perfect, she’s still reeling from her last relationship, but she says, “if we’re going to do this, let’s do this”. For Adam, he’s learnt that when you’re in a relationship with someone, your job is to make them happy, not chase after women and expect the person you’re with to put up with it because that’s just who you are. Reading more Socrates and less Nietzsche has helped Adam be a better person.

Day 58 The Story of Yousef

When I was little I would write made-up stories about the people around me. I would read the story out loud to the person it was about and then give it to them. When I was ten years old, I wrote The Story of Yousef, which was about my very good friend's dad. Athar, who is still my very good friend, was recently going through his dad's stuff and found this. It was 1988 and I had used a typewriter. Link is to a scanned pdf file of the original copy.

https://docs.google.com/fileview?id=0BwuCziznDWEiZDY2MGFhNTItMGE2MC00MWUzLWI2ZGItMTU2NDJlNWQzYWRh&hl=en

Day 57 Jenn and Tony part trois or The Problem with Keeping on

Jenn and Tony were first featured here on Day 17. On Day 29, we had a beautiful and honest reflection from Jenn on the struggles of being married, being a mother and being an artist. Today's post is an entry from Tony's blog on doing what you love.

Jenn and I had a fight yesterday, all the stress built up and led to the kind of fight normally happy married couples have all the time. Stress builds, it leads to an argument which leads to a bi-annual fight, which leads to talking about what's really bothering us, which leads to six more happy months until the next time we get frustrated with each other. (I'm 32, so I'm hoping we have about 136 more six-month fight-ups.)

But, I wonder what the kids see. If Jenn and I disagree about something, Tony Jr. immediately tries to get us to stop. We have to tell him, it's okay, mommy and daddy are just talking. We just disagree about a play. He gives us a weird look to see if we're telling the truth, then moves on to the next thing he wants to do.

I think back to when I was a kid. I never saw my parents happy unless it was something to do with us kids. With everything going on, do I stop moving long enough for my kids to see that I actually am happy? That I love their mom. Not in some abstract notion, but in the I can't imagine a day without her kind of way.

Can they see that amid all the frustrations, that I love what I do?

I know that my parents didn't. They worked so we'd have food and a roof over our head. I know the difference. But what happens if I get so caught up in the minutia that my kids don't ever see that?

It's difficult for me to keep it all straight sometimes. Jenn's joked that the past festivals have gone up primarily by my willpower. The festival and the reason behind it are things I'm extraordinarily passionate about it.

I remember the first time I got the sense that anything besides us kids had made my mom happy. I was out west on this backpacking trip/class that my high school and two neighboring schools did. (Not the whole schools, but there were around thirty kids and faculty from three schools.) We stopped in a town and there was a care package waiting for me with some goodies, snack etc, and some mix-tapes to listen to that my mom had copied for me.

I've been thinking of that a lot lately. The cancer's back. She's in chemo again.

At the bottom of that care package was a stack of poems she had written. I was seventeen and had no idea my mom had ever written anything more than a grocery list. She'd been squirreling them away for God knows how long. It was the first time I'd sensed any true joy on her part. Writing made her happy. I was seventeen before I had seen anything make her happy.

If we're so busy keeping on, how can our kids even tell the difference between what we do for them, to keep food on the table, and what we love? How can we tell the difference?

Amongst all the pain in the ass things around us, I have to remember to not gloss over the reason that I do it. When I'm filling out stacks of paper work, or reviewing a grant application, or trying to help directors cast fifty plus roles, I have to remember that I'm not doing it for money. That all the work I do on the festival is my way to connect my mom's dream, what made her happy, with my daughter's potential, what might make her happy. I love what I do, who I do it for, and who I do it with. I hope my kids can see that. And I hope my mom has a chance to see the future festivals and can see that too.



The Alcyone Festival 2010 opened last weekend and runs through February 27. This year's festival celebrates the work of Maria Irene Fornes, featuring four Chicago premieres and a Pulitzer finalist in rotating repertory.
http://www.halcyontheatre.org/blog/tonysblog/the-problem-with-keeping-on
http://www.halcyontheatre.org/productions/seasonfour/alcyone10

Day 55 Eddie and Mary

Eddie is a great comic artist and fellow 100-day pledger. This is the story of how Eddie and Mary got together.

Eddie and Mary met when they were 16 years old. They were both taking a creative writing class during the summer at Edinburgh University in Scotland.

Eddie: We were from two different schools across town. Me from a well-to-do middle class school (called Boroughmuir), her from a slightly less well-to-do middle/working class high school in Portobello, Edinburgh’s seaside area.

Eddie wore baggy jeans and long curly hair, and looked to Mary like a sexy hobbit.

Eddie: We got on well, chatting about films and music. It was that time in your life when you’re discovering all these cool things. I was raving about bands like Eels, The White Stripes and The Pixies, Mary about The Manic Street Preachers and Radiohead.

When Eddie introduced his current girlfriend of six weeks to Mary as a ‘friend’, it became obvious to everyone that he really liked Mary. Eddie and his girlfriend at the time spent all their time making out.

Eddie: It was extremely physical, though never arrived anywhere (I was promised Bra removing lessons, but never survived that long). But Mary and I just clicked on some other level. We were friends first, and I was really attracted to her. Mary was the kind of girl I wanted to be around.

Eddie’s girlfriend realised what was going on before Eddie did and dumped him, telling him he should go out with Mary. Eddie and Mary continued to hang out as friends. Eddie was hooked on Mary’s kindness and her intriguing personality. She was a mystery to him.

Eddie, at sixteen, was socially awkward and had no self-esteem, but he did have a game-plan.

Eddie: I had this long-game dating technique where I segwayed from being friends to going out. All it took was to spend time with a person and flirt and then one day hold their hand!

And so Eddie courted Mary. True to form, they spent time with each other, flirted and one day after talking about Eddie’s family and his grandpa’s mental illness, they held hands. A few days later, Eddie went in for the kill.

Eddie: On the beach, in the October cold I decided to make my move and kiss her. I was nervous and inexperienced and made a complete mess of it. Mary kind of scarpered off, probably shocked by exactly how awful a kiss it was.

Mary liked Eddie a lot, but it was nothing compared to the intense feelings she had for her ex-girlfriend who had broken her heart. Mary had never forgotten her and had almost come to the conclusion that she didn’t like men. Eddie, who had come to like Mary a whole lot by then and who was up for a challenge, persuaded her over the course of a few hours to give him another shot.

Eight years later, Eddie and Mary are living together in Edinburgh. Over the years, they’ve discovered just how much they have in common and have grown to become best friends who really like being around each other. Mary introduced Eddie to comics. Eddie helps keep Mary happy, and he’s become a great kisser.

Mary: we mesh together in a really great way, and our relationship always feels really special. I often get those bursts of love, you know when you just realise you love someone soooo much, even though they are doing something really mundane, like eating broccoli.

check out Eddie's very cool 100-day pledge to illustrate a tiny moment from his past, present or future http://100tinymoments.blogspot.com/

Day 52 Chez and Bill

Chez and Bill went on their first date eight years ago this week. They had met two years earlier in Illinois Wesleyan College in Bloomington. They had mutual friends and would occasionally hang out in college, but didn’t date then because Bill always seemed to be in a relationship.

After graduating from college, they both moved back in to their respective parents’ homes which both happened to be in the southwest suburbs of Chicago. They continued to hang out with their mutual friends, and this time Bill was single. When they were together in a group, Chez and Bill would tease one another and be sarcastic, but would have intimate, on-line chats on instant messenger well into the night. Chez would come home and look forward to signing on instant messenger, hoping Bill would also be signed on. One night, he made an off-hand comment that if Chez knew how to throw a Frisbee forehand, Bill would have to marry her. Bill took Frisbee seriously.

Their on-line conversations got longer and more frequent. Bill confessed to Chez that he normally messes things up when he likes a woman, which could be a problem because he was getting to like her. That set the tone for their communication, open and honest. They went out on a date and things between them got pretty serious pretty quickly.

Chez remembers telling him that her favourite book was Catcher in the Rye. By the time she had gotten home from work the next day, Bill had gone out, bought Catcher in the Rye and had read the whole book.

Although things were going well, Chez didn’t trust it would last. She thought the first six months was the inevitable honeymoon period and after that it would all go to crap. It didn’t all go to crap and over time, things started to feel solid. Two and half years into their relationship, Chez found herself lost and uncertain about everything in her life except Bill. She was working in a domestic violence shelter and it was wearing her down, she was thinking of going back to school, but wasn’t sure what to study. Bill was the only thing that felt stable to Chez, and that’s when things between them started to feel solid.

For Chez, it was important to be with someone who understood the kind of pressure she was under working in a domestic violence shelter. When a car would cut into her way in the street and she’d get angry and shout, ‘The way white men drive is representative of the hierarchies in our society’, Bill would understand.

It was also important that there was very little drama in their relationship. It doesn’t mean there wasn’t sadness or difficult moments, but there wasn’t any drama. When Chez’s little sister, who was 14 years old at the time, crashed Bill’s new car into a dumpster Bill’s reaction was to laugh.

Chez and Bill were married in 2007. Chez has Bill’s initials ‘WJF’ tattooed on her ring finger, and Bill has ‘Chez’ tattooed on his ring finger. Bill taught Chez how to throw a Frisbee forehand and Chez has complete trust that their relationship will last.

Day 48 Christopher and Jill

Christopher had married his college girlfriend. They were together for seven years, and were divorced in 2008. This story is not about them.

After getting legally separated in September 2008, after spending a quarter of his life devoted to the wrong person, Christopher decided to brave on-line dating. Match.com was not a good experience. Chemistry.com was better.

One of the women he met on chemistry.com was Jill. Their first date was a year to the day his wife asked for a divorce. Christopher and Jill met in a bar in Union Square, New York City. It was too noisy so they tried a different place across the street which was even nosier. So, they went back to the original bar.

They bonded over bad chemistry.com dates and decided to have dinner in a Vietnamese place in the same neighbourhood. Christopher knew Jill liked him when she started finding silly excuses to touch his arm. Christopher leaned across the table and kissed her in the restaurant and she told him, ‘I wonder what the hell took you so long’.

Christopher found Jill really easy to be with. She was very funny, she liked herself without being arrogant, and she seemed to like him a lot. In true Christopher-style, after dating Jill for two weeks, he was in love with her. He loved that she had an interesting job that inhabited a completely different job from his. He was a community organiser in East Brooklyn, she was a handbag designer in Manhattan. He loved that she didn’t take herself too seriously.

But because Christopher was hesitant to become serious with someone new, hesitant to negotiate the inevitable tensions that come with an intimate relationship, he held back. For Christopher, holding back meant reminding himself that this wasn’t that. And it meant waiting for three months to tell Jill he loved her.

Jill is someone who brings out good things for the people around her, which is exactly what Christopher needed. And it helped that she got him to dress better. Since meeting Jill he has better glasses and even occasionally wears contact lenses, and has jeans that are not circa 1995. He even lets Jill take him out shopping, as long as he has veto power.

Christopher has learnt to listen to his gut, to take things as they come and to be open to what the world throws at him. If he was being honest with himself when his marriage broke, he wouldn’t have been surprised that it did. So, he’s learning to be honest about what is going on around him, to listen to Jill, and to listen to himself.

Day 45 Justin and Beth

Justin first saw Beth eighteen years ago on Michigan street in Dearborn wearing indoor soccer shoes and thought to himself, ‘Who is that cute girl?’

Beth: I don’t remember that.

Justin: That’s because we didn’t talk then.

Beth: Well, it’s because you were desperate for a girlfriend.

Justin’s college roommate was dating Beth’s college roommate so they would frequently find themselves in the same social circles and ended up working together on a Detroit community service project. Justin tried to make a play for Beth, but Beth had just come out of a three-year relationship with a narcissist and wasn’t ready for anything.

Justin tried playing with her hair while they watched a basketball game. He tried chasing her to her bedroom one night at a party. Nothing worked. She told him as nice as he was, she didn’t want to start anything with anyone. Justin backed off. At a Take Back the Night rally on campus, Justin didn’t pay much attention to Beth and Beth was disappointed.

During that summer in 1991, Justin moved to Chicago to do an internship with the Chicago Reporter and Beth stayed in Michigan to work in Detroit. One weekend that summer, their college roommates were planning a big get-together. Justin wasn’t too sure about going, but his roommate convinced him by telling that Beth would be there. ‘Well, you never know’, thought Justin to himself and drove to Michigan.

They got together that weekend on the understanding that it would be a casual relationship. What convinced Beth to finally date Justin is that they were going to be living in different cities. Beth was graduating and moving to Chicago, while Justin still had a year to go in Michigan.

Things between Justin and Beth didn’t remain ‘casual’ for very long, but the distance between their different cities gave Beth the space she needed. Six years after they started dating, Beth suggested they buy a house together. ‘I’m not buying a house with you unless we get married’, Justin told her. And so even though Beth didn’t believe in the institution of marriage, and Justin was Catholic. And even though Beth didn’t want to be with anyone who was not pro-choice, and Justin was Catholic. And even though Beth wanted to have children and raise them Jewish, and Justin was Catholic. They, somehow, figured it all out.

Over the last eighteen years, they have grown together and gone through different phases in their relationship. They’ve lived through their 20s together, through a death in the family, and through the ordinary tribulations of life. Their relationship is the stuff that reality is made of.

Beth: I’m sorry that’s not much romance for your blog.

Justin gives Beth a playful and gentle punch on the chin.

They are married, living in their Chicago home with their two beautiful daughters who are five and three years old.

Day 33 Aboud and Tamara

It was the summer of 1998 and Aboud was traveling around Europe with college friends after graduating from Georgetown University. At the end of their European trip, after his college friends flew back to the United States, Aboud continued on to Jordan to visit for a few days.

Aboud, who was born and raised in Chicago’s suburbs, had frequently visited his family in Palestine and Jordan. But he had never seen Jordan as an adult. He wanted to spend a few days in the Middle East, but he didn’t want to be confined to family where all they would do was feed him. So, he snuck into Jordan without telling any of his family members. At the advice of his mother's, Aboud decided to stay with Aunty Samar, an old friend of his mum’s because he didn’t know her and she didn’t know any of his family.

Aunty Samar had two daughters and a son. On the day of his arrivel to Amman, Jordan, Aunty Samar's eldest daughter, Tamara, showed up from work and told Aboud he had two hours to get ready. She’d be back to pick him up so she can show him Jordan’s nightlife. ‘Oh my God, she’s beautiful’, thought Aboud, showered and got ready meticulously. He couldn't wait to hit the town with this beautiful and mysterious woman he just met.

Two hours later Tamara came back to pick him up, boyfriend in tow. Aboud’s heart sank.

Regardless, that night and for the next four days, Tamara and her boyfriend showed Aboud around, and he had a great time. They flew to Aqaba, Jordan’s coastal town, for a day where Aboud was tortured by Tamara in her bikini all over her boyfriend.

When the boyfriend wasn’t around, Aboud and Tamara would have hours of interesting conversation. He found out she was born in Beirut, had lived there during the civil war, moved to Cyprus when she was very young, and then later to Malta when she was a teenager. He had never met anyone like her.

Aboud’s four days were up and he flew back to the United States. New York, precisely, where he had landed a job. Aboud and Tamara kept in touch via email. Tamara stayed with the boyfriend and Aboud started dating someone else. And then two years later at exactly the same time, they broke up with the people they were dating. As soon as Tamara wrote to Aboud that she had stopped seeing the boyfriend, Aboud made up some story about needing to travel to Jordan and booked a ticket.

It was October 2000 and Aboud made his long awaited move on Tamara in the Dead Sea. On the second day after arriving in Jordan, he asked her to date him exclusively. He was certain she was the right woman for him, she told him he was crazy. But he was so smitten and managed to talk her into a long-distance relationship. First came the $1,000 phone bills. Then the multitude of trips to see each other. They met in Paris for a weekend in November. Tamara flew to New York to spend a month with him in December. He then flew back to Jordan in March to see her.

Aunty Samar, by this point, was getting agitated. ‘Are you going to propose?’ she demanded. Aboud made a proposal. He proposed that Tamara move to the United States with him, without them getting married. Aunty Samar flipped out. Aunty Samar finally agreed on the condition that Aboud and Tamara move in with Aboud’s mother in Chicago.

So Tamara moved from Jordan to Chicago and Aboud moved from New York to Chicago where they lived together. Three months later, Tamara’s visitor visa ran out. And so Aboud and Tamara decided to get married to keep her in the country. They got married in City Hall with Tamara in jeans on Aboud’s lunch break. And they didn’t tell anyone.

A year later, December 2001, they were visiting Jordan. Aboud, without telling Tamara had booked tickets to Hawaii for February where he was planning to propose for real. Aunty Samar had other plans. ‘You’re getting married or you’re not going back’, she told Tamara. Aboud, behind Tamara’s back, tried to explain to Aunty Samar that he was planning to propose in Hawaii. Aunty Samar was stubborn, ‘I don’t care about romance, you’re getting married before you take her out of the country again’.

And so they decided to get married in Jordan. When it was time for the Sheikh to marry them, he asked to see evidence of Aboud being single. On his way to the US Embassy to pick up evidence of him not being married, he remembered that he was married, to Tamara. Aunty Samar was very happy that they hadn’t been living in sin all this time after all. The Sheikh, after some confusion, gave them an Islamic blessing.

The trip to Hawaii turned into a honeymoon and the best two weeks of their lives. Aboud and Tamara, twice married, are living in Boston with their two and half-year old daughter, Jenin, named after the city in Palestine.

Day 32 From Letters to a Young Poet by Rilke

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves ...
Don't search for the answers,
which could not be given to you now,
because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is, to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps then, someday far in the future,
you will gradually, without even noticing it,
live your way into the answer.

Day 31 The Occupation or Two Weeks that Would Change their Lives

The time was May 1998. The place was Dagenham. The institution was University of East London. The people, well at first anyway, were John, Carla the socialist, Garry, and Lina.

John was studying Italian and heard from one of his lecturers that cuts were being made to the Languages Department. Because John was toying with the idea of becoming a socialist and because the cuts didn’t seem fair, he told Carla the socialist. John and Carla the socialist marched to the student union and demanded that something be done.

Lina, who held an official student union position at the time, happened to be there and happened to be the first person they spoke to. Garry, who wanted an official student union position and was always up for a bit of trouble, joined their conversation.

After some more research, they found out that there were ₤1.3 million cuts being made across departments, 24 lecturers were going to lose their jobs and the university had one of the highest paid vice chancellors in the country. They were angry, but they weren’t sure what to do. Carla the socialist had the answer. Occupy!

They gathered 100 signatures to call an emergency general meeting of the student body, and 250 students showed up. They invited Frank Gould, the fourth highest paid vice chancellor in the country, to make his case. Luckily for them, Frank Gould was patronising, arrogant, had an all-year-round tan, had a shower in his office and talked about his ski thumbs. The students voted unanimously to occupy the building.

They occupied the two main buildings and shut down the administrative side of the university for two weeks. Someone, maybe Dagmar, had the brilliant idea that they would continue to hold classes for students, but only if the lecturer supported both ‘the aims and means of the occupation’. And so classes ran, more or less, as normal. The students unfurled a banner outside the main building that proclaimed: ‘Under New Management!’

Ryan and Massimo became the brains of the operation. They came up with the name, ‘Autonomous University of East London’ and wrote a manifesto. Fred who was nifty with graphics became in charge of propaganda/publicity. Committees were formed: the academic committee that made sure classes ran, the food committee that fed the 100 or so occupiers on a daily basis, the security committee that made sure all entrances were covered and nothing was broken, the cleaning committee that cleaned. The occupiers had two general meetings a day to make all decisions publicly and democratically

One dawn in early June, the occupiers were evicted by 200 riot police.

No-one was arrested or hurt. They formed a negotiation committee that was able to save the jobs of those lecturers who didn’t sign ‘voluntary’ redundancy agreements and they struck a deal that no student would be penalised for taking part in the occupation. Frank Gould, the fourth highest paid vice chancellor in the country, was forced to resign a year later.

John, Garry, and Lina are still the best of friends. The whereabouts of Carla the socialist are unknown.

Day 29 Jenn and Tony part deux or Am I becoming the Cliche? By Jennifer Adams

Jenn and Tony were first featured here on Day 17. This is an honest, beautiful reflection from Jenn on being married, being a mum, and being an artist.

There is a cliché out there about how when a woman gets married and has kids she loses her identity, forgets her own passions, and focuses so much on what everyone else needs that she casts her own needs aside. P'shaw, right?

I'm not so sure...

I think I may have begun to whittle myself into a model of that cliché, though I've been fighting it every step of the way. . . Tony and I have always semi-jokingly used the phrase "Us against the World" to describe our approach to life. We started Halcyon as a way to do something great together, and we always meant to continue that approach when we had kids. When Tony, Jr. was 3-6 months old, Tony was rehearsing Yerma and he really wanted me at rehearsals. There were a lot of nights when I sat nursing in a corner while they rehearsed, thinking "Why did I come?"

I knew Tony wanted my feedback and wanted me to be involved, but it was pretty rare that I actually got to watch what was going on. Yet, I never decided to stop going. I knew Tony wanted me there, and in theory I wanted to be there. I wanted to be like the families I grew up with who always had their whole family in the show, and would take turns watching each others kids while a scene was being rehearsed. However, growing up I did shows in a schoolhouse that was turned into an arts center in the middle of the woods. . . When you rehearse in a room at Sheil Park, or a room in a church with an AA meeting next door, there's nowhere for the kids to go and no other kids to watch them. (Insert a plug for our own space with babysitting services HERE).

During performances of Yerma, when Tony Jr. was in the dream scene at the beginning, Tony would go to the theatre after work and open the doors for the actors, and I would go to our house and get Tony Jr., take him to the theatre, nurse him while we waited for his "Big Scene" so he wouldn't disturb the performance, then bundle him out and take him home on the bus. It was 9 p.m. before we got home, sometimes not much earlier than Tony, and there were a few times where neither of us were dressed for the weather.

One night, the temperature dropped from 55 to 40 degrees between leaving the theatre and getting home, and it started to rain. I was in a short sleeved shirt with an old navy trench coat and Tony jr. was in a long sleeve shirt and pants, a light coat but no hat that I remember . . . I put my coat around him and prayed for a bus that never came. I ended up walking from Irving Park and Damen to Foster and Damen, and stopping at CVS on Lawrence to buy a fleece blanket and one of those weird winter hats with the hard cardboard bill in the front to warm him up...That was one of the first moments when I thought "What's more important? Theatre or my family?"

Since the kids were born, it has felt as if Tony and I have worked better with a "divide and conquer" approach to our lives. It has made sense that the "divide" would be him at the theatre and me at home. He can run tech, and I can nurse...and honestly, a lot of times it just feels better to stay home. The kids get a bedtime routine, I get to be with them and feel needed by them, and it's important to me to be a mom that is THERE.

At the same time, Tony's writing and online presence has really helped Halcyon grow. While I have always been involved artistically, and have actually directed more shows for Halcyon than Tony, I haven't maintained a presence (or done the work) of the...Executive-isory-ness. . . As a result, I have felt less and less connected to, and less and less needed by, this amazing company that was started by us as equals. He was doing more of the producing, reading of scripts, being the one there for tech weeks. . . It made sense for him to take on the role of Artistic Director and me to become Associate A.D. That's the roles we were playing.

I think that led to me feeling even less needed by Halcyon, and more needed by the kids, which made it even more appealing to be the one that stayed home. I would go to rehearsals or shows, and not really know what to do there. Or have to call Tony to fix the problems. . . At home, I always had the answers, the kisses and hugs, and yes, the milk!

The "Divide and Conquer" has been feeling more and more like "Divide, and Tony Conquers." Its been no one's fault; up until now it has been the best way to proceed. And I'm sure he feels pretty conquered when the kids want me to do bedtime... and bath-time... and everything else :)

However, I love this company just as much as he does, and I want it to succeed just as much as he does. The same way he wants our kids to succeed. Thankfully they are getting old enough now where we can really do more of the Kid Stuff 50-50... I am back to tackling the Theatre Stuff 50-50 as well. If I want to be an equal voice in this theatre company, I have to be an equal voice... the same way I am in my marriage and with my kids. I have to do the work.

The first step, a small one though it is, is to change the name of my blog... The Life of a Theatre Wife used to sound kitchy and fun to me. Now it sounds like "A Cute Little Wife in the Corner, writing a Cute Little Blog to have something to share with her strong, hard-working husband". (Boy, that sounds bitter. But that Bitter Woman is who I DON'T want to become.) If you have a Blog Name you think might be good, let me know...

The second step will be taking a newly found love of marketing I have acquired, and really trying to use it to Halcyon's benefit.

We'll see what comes third... I'll keep you posted!

http://www.halcyontheatre.org/blog/theatrewife/am-i-becoming-the-cliche

Day 28 Tom and Suzanne

There are three acts to this story.

Act one. Tom and Suzanne meet at the University of Notre Dame in South Bend, Indiana in 1973. Luckily for both of them, and for women everywhere, Notre Dame started accepting female students two years before that. They each had roommates who happened to fall madly in love with each other in their first week of college and become joined at the hip. And so, by default, Tom and Suzanne became friends. There is an unresolved dispute between them on whether they went on a couple of dates or not. Tom thinks they went on a date or two. Suzanne does not think they were dates.

Act two. They graduated in 1977. Tom moved to Berlin and Suzanne moved to California. They kept in touch through their old roommates who ended up getting married straight out of college. Tom would send the occasional postcard from Berlin, and they would sometimes talk on the phone. They were both seeing other people at the time, and had no romantic interest in each other.

By 1983 they were both living in Chicago, Tom having got there four years earlier. When Suzanne moved to Chicago, Tom organised a long, thorough tour for her. There still wasn't any real romantic interest at this point. Tom is just a really nice guy.

Act three. It’s December 1985 and Suzanne needs a date for her office Christmas party. She needed to take someone who would be good company, someone she wouldn’t need to baby sit, and someone who wouldn’t embarrass her.

Tom: The bar was low.

Suzanne: That’s a high bar!

Suzanne asked Tom to go with her and Tom accepted. He showed up at her house with a small gift; a red cup with cocoa for hot chocolate.

Winter 1985 was the coldest Chicago winter in recorded history. That's pretty darn cold. So when they left the party, which went fine, they couldn't walk anywhere. Tom and Suzanne ran into the first bar they saw. They warmed up with mulled wine and conversation. They talked till the bar closed. And by the end of the night, they developed a closeness that may or may not have been brewing for the last twelve years.

It took Tom and Suzanne that long to get together because they had to become who they were going to become first. Tom remembers two things that made him see Suzanne more clearly. One was the way she handled her father’s untimely death; with dignity and strength. The other was her growth and excitement after coming back from a trip to Europe.

They were married in 1988. They have three boys, an 18-year old, a 16-year old and a 13-year old. Every year in December, Tom gives Suzanne a red cup with cocoa for hot chocolate.

Day 27 Magda and Stathis

Magda and Stathis met in Athens, Greece in the summer of 2002 and didn’t like each other very much. They were both working at the Byzantine Museum. Stathis was head of the educational programmes at the museum and Magda was in the public relations office. He thought she was a dumb girl with no politics. She thought he was rude, arrogant and degrading. The source of their tension had something to do with Yugoslavian children, Marxism and a charity event the museum was organizing. Anyway.

It was February 2003, after many tentative conversations, most of them involving politics, before they decided they had some things in common. So when Bill Clinton came to town and there was of-course a demonstration, Stathis asked Magda if she wanted to go with him. She told him she’d be at the demonstration and then ended up, for one reason or another, not being able to go.

The next day Stathis told Magda that he’d looked for her and couldn’t find her. He asked her out to dinner. Stathis had an ulterior motive. He wasn’t looking for a relationship, but he thought Magda was gorgeous and wanted to sleep with her. Magda, although she didn’t really fancy him, agreed to go out with him. She had recently broken up from a long, arduous relationship and was looking to take her mind off things.

They went out. Magda didn’t follow the no-sex-on-the-first-date rule and she didn’t hear from Stathis for the next two weeks. Magda was indifferent. She was fed-up with men and had resolved to have no expectations when it comes to them.

But Stathis eventually did call and they went out 15 days after their first date. Since their second date, unless, they are in different cities, they’ve spent every night together. Stathis had been suffering from insomnia for years. He wouldn’t be able to fall asleep till 5 or 6 o’clock every morning. But when Magda was around, he could sleep. And because she cured his insomnia, he couldn’t do without her.

Magda has been completely in love with him since their second date. Stathis has given her everything she’s ever wanted, and he makes her want to be a better person. She likes that he’s comfortable in his own skin and can laugh at himself.

Magda and Stathis officially moved in together in September 2004. They were married in March 2007. Magda’s best friend and housemate from her college days in London was their maid of honour. A great time was had by all. Magda and Stathis are living in Athens with their almost-one-year old baby boy, Aris. They were not married in a church and Aris is not baptised. Magda and Stathis do not like to follow rules and conventions.

Day 26 Angela and Matt

Angela and Matt met in May 2006 at a festival in London’s East End. The borough was Hackney, Europe’s crime and grime capital, and the festival was Paradise Gardens, where you go to see Victoria Park magically transformed into a modern day Pleasure Garden. It is a mystery how the young lovers found themselves to be in the same time, in the same place, talking and drinking, but they did.

Even though Matt was living in South London and Ang, who is in the Top 5 Funniest People, was on the right side of the river, she decided to give him a chance. They met at the festival, got drunk and talked non-stop all day. There may have been some crazy magic funky fairy dust in the air.

At the Paradise Gardens Festival, they have an old-fashioned funfair, powered by steam instead of electricity. Ang and Matt rode the steam fair dodgems, played on the penny arcade machines and had good banter.

Ang would soon learn that Matt was uber reliable and would never let her down in any sense of the word. When Ang was going through some tough times, Matt was there for her unfailingly, always saying the right things no matter the time of day. Matt has been to every kiddy musical Ang, a primary school teacher, has put on. They spent last Christmas in Rome and went to see the Pope’s speech, during most of which Matt held up Ang’s class toy stuffed bird so she could take a picture for the kids at just the right angle.

So, despite their irreconcilable taste in films, they are moving in together after Christmas. Ang loves Karate Kid, Point Break and Lost Boys. Matt loves Aliens, Clockwork Orange and Goodfellas. She is not moving south of the river, but Ang will be moving to Bedfordshire. There are slight misgivings,

Angela: aw or .... shit! i'm living in the middle of nowhere with a bloke who is refusing to watch karate kid again!!!

But these misgivings are minor.

Every year, Ang and Matt go back to the Paradise Gardens festival for their anniversary. But this year the festival has been moved to June.

Day 25 Wesley and Richard

Meeting Richard (see Day 2 Crystal and Richard) would change Wesley’s life, but he didn’t know that at the time. At the time, Wesley thought it meant he would have someone to carpool with from work. They were both living in Conway, Arkansas’ college town, and working in a school in a town neither of them liked very much. Wesley was a science teacher and Richard was a history teacher-in-training.

There were many teacher trainees that lived in Conway Wesley could have asked to car pool with, but there was something about Richard that he warmed to. As Richard was driving Wesley home for the first time, he followed Wesley’s directions to Richard’s own house. It turned out they lived, not right next to each other, but behind each other with adjacent backyards.

At first, Richard’s wife didn’t trust Richard’s new friend and didn’t want him in the house. He was too clean cut and that was fishy. But Wesley had the superpower to make Richard’s newly born twins stop crying and fall asleep so he became indispensable to the family. Before long, Wesley would make a habit of walking into Richard’s house unannounced in his pyjamas and ask what was for breakfast.

When they first met, Wesley was a Republican or as he put it, one of the prisoners in Plato’s cave. The less that is said about ties to a right wing militia the better. Meeting Richard exposed Wes to things and ideas he’d not been exposed to before. His horizons were broadened, his worldviews shifted, and he escaped from the cave.

Richard still lives in Arkansas and Wesley now lives in Minnesota. They get to see each other on holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas where they stay up till 3am talking, and watch Across the Universe on Christmas Day.

Day 24 Sonia and Mike

Sonia went to high school with Richard (see Day 2 Crystal and Richard), and Mike went to college with Richard. And so Sonia and Mike met at Richard’s birthday party in northwest Arkansas years and years after their school days with Richard.

The first thing that struck Sonia about Mike was that he had the confidence to introduce himself as an artist. They ended up talking for hours at the party about obscure artists that only they knew. People would join, and quickly leave their conversation.

Sonia first invited Mike to join her regular Sunday potluck group, and then invited him over to her house for dinner. What’s that? Always let the boy make the first move? That wasn’t Sonia’s style.

Before their first kiss, Sonia told Mike straight up – she wasn’t looking to spend her time with someone she couldn’t get serious about, she was too busy, she was starting her own business and two non-profits so was he in or was he out? Mike was in. He liked Sonia’s style.

Three months in Mike knew he wanted to marry Sonia. And she knew she wanted to marry him. Sonia had wasted a lot of time on boys in the past. By her mid-30s, she was done wasting time. She knew what she wanted, and was glad that she hadn’t found Mike earlier. Finding Mike at the time that she did meant that she knew exactly how special he was and how lucky she was.

Every year, Sonia held a benefit party for the non-profit organisations she set up. That year, surprising everyone, they got married at the benefit party. They vowed to be together “for richer and poorer; for profit and non-profit”.